WASHINGTON, D.C. (Eclectanews) – Observers from around the world gathered in America’s capitol this week to observe the expected end of the world as a confluence of three profound events threatened the planet Earth’s very existence.
First, on Tuesday of this week, a decades-old military policy known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) was repealed. This occured after over a year of intense debate in which repeal opponents warned the country that God’s wrath at such an event would result in a planetary catastrophe. Cindy Jacobs, a self-described prophet who was the first to connect the dots between DADT and birds falling from the sky and fish kills told Eclectanews:
If this Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell can cause birds to fall out of the sky and fish to die in our rivers, this repeal will surely bring God’s anger upon our country and lay waste to the sinners and fornicators. The rest of us will pay the price for their sin. Thankfully, I will be raptured to heaven to take my rightful and righteous place next to the throne of my Lord, Jesus Christ, amen.
A spokesman for the Westboro Baptist Church reminded journalists that the Prince of Peace and Love hates homosexuals. “God loves everyone,” explained WBC pastor Fred Phelps. “And He hates fags.”
A second event occured when a mosque opened in the crater of an Islamic cultural center opened blocks away from the Ground Zero site in New York City. As with the repeal of DADT, opponents of the mosque cultural center foretold impending catastrophe were the audacious affront to God place of worship and fraternity to open. Preacher Terry Jones who has burned the Qur’an, the holy book of the world’s second largest religion, to prove his religious purity and righteousness explained to reporters that the Muslim religion promotes violence and is antithetical to the message of love and peace promoted by Christianity. “God will destroy the earth and condemn all Muslims to eternal damnation and torment,” Jones said. “God’s gentle message of peace, love and forgiveness requires that the evil sinners be destroyed and/or subjected to eternal torture.”
The piece this week that ensured planetary destruction came directly from the president of the United States, Barack Obama. In speeches around the country, the president was heard to be naming the names of his political opponents and speaking out against their efforts to harm the country for personal and political gain. Prior to this, spokespersons for all liberals everywhere, Adam Green and Jane Hamsher, assured the country that, despite his election as a Democrat, President Obama was, in fact, a lily-livered, weak-kneed corporatistshillselloutwarmongeringbabykillingcapitulatingRepublicanlover. “Obama doesn’t have it in him,” Green told Keith Olbermann last month. “He’s just another Wall Street Manchurian candidate that loves power and Republicans above all else. The streets he drives on are paved with the elderly, the poor and cans of Nine Lives Savory Stew. The world will end before he acts like a true liberal.” Jane Hamsher issued a press release supporting Green’s pronouncement saying, “Adam knows what he’s talking about. Just look how much money he has raised. Not like Obama’s army of stupidestmotherfuckersintheworld™. I’ll see you in Hell before he ever says anything bad about Republicans.”
The observers in Washington, D.C. are now on Day Two of their vigil. It is believed the impending destruction of all mortal beings on the planet will begin here and spread outwards, preceded by plagues of locusts, flies, lice, boils, and frogs.
