My beloved mother-in-law sent me to this most-awesome website, You’ve Been Left Behind. They provide a remarkable service:
You’ve Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen.
They provide these remarkable elements, all for one low, low price:
Document storage and “Rapture” triggered email messaging system.
- STORE UP TO 250MB OF DOCUMENTS
- SEND TO UP TO 62 INDIVIDUAL EMAIL ADDRESSES
- 150MB ENCRYPTED DOCUMENT STORAGE
- 100MB UNENCRYPTED DOCUMENT STORAGE
- YOU CAN EDIT DOCUMENTS ANY TIME
- WRITE YOUR OWN DOCUMENTS OR CHOOSE FROM SOME OF OURS
That’s right, kids. Actual Rapture-triggered email messaging to your loved ones after you’re swept up to heaven.
Fom the “FAQ’s” page:
Q:How are the emails sent out after the rapture if you are all Christians?
A:I have a team, of Christian couples, scattered around the U.S. 4 active couples and one alternate. One of each, of the active couples, are required to log into the system everyday. They are scattered to protect us from having the team wiped out by attack, natural disaster, or epidemic. They are couples in case one is sick, injured, killed, and to assure their walk with God. If they (3 out of 4) fail to log in for 3 days the system figures the Rapture has taken place. There are then notices sent out to each of us daily, for 3 more days, warning us we must log in to prevent the sending of documents. If, we do not, then the system sends out all of the stored data to all of the email addresses. There is one alternate team member to ready as a replacement for a lost teammate. Also one team member is located near enough to the server bank, with access, in case the net goes down, or malfunction.
There’s much more and you’ll really enjoy the comic relief of their “FAQ’s”.
I was imagining what some old crone would write to her progeny:
Dearest children,
I just wanted to leave you with this last message now that I’m gone and you can’t retaliate.You are all a bunch if parasitic leeches. Your vulturistic lurking around my home under the pretense of “helping me out” were nothing more than flagrant forays into my home to “go shopping” for the things you’ll slink away into your rat holes with while my dead body is still warm.
By the time you read this, you will have all no doubt filled your home with MY things. Your children are playing with/on them. Your guests are sitting in them or eating from them. Perhaps you are even sleeping with them.
I thought you should know that I have spent the last year smearing my feces into and onto anything of value I owned, the things you have been waiting so long to abscond with.
Anyway, enjoy all my shit. You’ve earned it.
In Jesus’ name,
Mom
I’m just sayin’…
